Gaslighting

What is gaslighting? Meaning, where the term comes from, common gaslighting phrases, how it differs from normal disagreement, and what to do if it happens to you.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which one person repeatedly makes another doubt their own memory, perception or judgement. Over time, the person on the receiving end starts to trust the manipulator's version of events more than their own.

Where the Term Comes From

The word comes from the 1938 play Gas Light and its later film adaptations, in which a husband secretly dims the gas lights at home and then insists his wife is imagining it, slowly convincing her that she is losing her grip on reality. Psychologists and the wider public adopted the term to describe the same pattern in real relationships.

Common Gaslighting Phrases

• "That never happened."
• "You're remembering it wrong."
• "You're too sensitive."
• "I was only joking, you can't take anything."
• "Everyone agrees with me, you're the only one who sees it that way."
• "You're imagining things again."

Any of these can be said innocently once. Gaslighting is a pattern: the phrases repeat, they target your perception rather than the topic, and they leave you more confused than you were before the conversation.

Gaslighting vs Disagreement

People remember events differently all the time, and honest disagreement is normal. The difference is in what happens next. In a disagreement, both perspectives are treated as real, even when they conflict. In gaslighting, your perspective is treated as evidence that something is wrong with you: your memory, your sanity, your sensitivity. The goal is not to understand what happened but to control the story.

Signs You May Be Experiencing Gaslighting

• You often apologize without being sure what you did wrong.
• You keep notes or screenshots because you no longer trust your memory in conversations with this person.
• You feel confused or "crazy" after talking to them, but not after talking to others.
• You find yourself making excuses for their behaviour to friends and family.
• You have become more anxious, hesitant or withdrawn since the relationship began.

Gaslighting in Text Messages

Gaslighting also happens in writing: denying something that is visible earlier in the same chat, rewriting what was agreed, or answering a concern with a question about your mental state. The written record can actually help, because you can scroll back and check. Our guide to gaslighting in text messages walks through examples, and examples of manipulative text messages covers related tactics. The manipulation checker can point out reality-distortion and blame-shifting patterns in a conversation; it gives an estimate, not a verdict about the person.

What to Do

Trust records more than arguments: written messages, notes and the perspective of people you trust. Name the pattern calmly ("I remember it differently, and I'm not going to debate my own memory") and step out of circular arguments. If gaslighting is part of a controlling or abusive relationship, consider talking to a counsellor or a local support service. You do not need proof that would satisfy the other person to decide that a relationship is not good for you.