DARVO Examples: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender

What is DARVO?

DARVO is a term coined by psychologist Jennifer Freyd to describe a three-step reaction to being confronted:

1. Deny the behaviour: "I never did that."
2. Attack the person raising it: "You're always looking for something to complain about."
3. Reverse Victim and Offender: "I can't believe you'd accuse me of this after everything. You're the one hurting me."

The result is that the original issue disappears and the conversation becomes about the confronter's behaviour. It often works together with gaslighting.

DARVO examples in relationships

• You: "It hurt when you read my messages without asking." Response: "I didn't read anything. Why are you so paranoid? Honestly, the fact you'd even think that is hurtful. I'm the one who should be upset."
• You: "You promised to be home by 8 and didn't call." Response: "So now I'm a liar? You always attack me the second I walk in. I can't do anything right for you."

DARVO examples in families

• "After all I sacrificed for you, you're accusing me of being a bad parent? You're breaking my heart."
• "That's not how it happened, and bringing it up at dinner just shows how ungrateful you are."

DARVO examples at work

• Raising credit-taking with a colleague: "I never claimed your work. Honestly, going to the manager behind my back is unprofessional. I'm the one who feels sabotaged."
• Reporting a rude comment: "I was joking, and frankly I feel attacked by this complaint."

Why DARVO is so effective

Most people do not want to hurt others. When the person you confronted suddenly appears wounded, your empathy kicks in and you start comforting them. Many people end up apologising for bringing the issue up. Over time you learn that raising problems is costly, so you stop, which protects the pattern.

How to respond to DARVO

• Name the switch calmly: "I hear that you're upset. I'd still like to come back to what I raised."
• Stick to one topic: don't defend yourself against every counter-accusation.
• Keep it short: long explanations give more material to attack.
• Use writing: follow up important conversations by message or email.
• Get outside perspective: a friend, HR or a counsellor can help you see what happened.

Phrases for staying steady are in how to respond to gaslighting and boundaries with a manipulator.

DARVO in public and online

DARVO is not limited to private relationships. In public disputes, someone accused of misconduct may deny it, attack the accuser's motives or credibility, and present themselves as the victim of a "witch hunt" or "cancel culture". Online, a person called out for rude comments may respond with "I was just expressing my opinion, why are you harassing me?" Recognising the structure helps you evaluate such disputes on the facts rather than on who appears most hurt.

How DARVO affects the person who raised the issue

Freyd's research found that DARVO makes observers more likely to doubt the original complaint and can make the person who raised it feel self-blame. Over time, people stop raising concerns at all because the cost is too high. If you notice that you rehearse conversations in your head to avoid triggering a reaction, or that you have stopped mentioning things that bother you, that is a sign the pattern has had an effect.

A DARVO exchange, step by step

You: "When you told my friends about my health issue, I felt really embarrassed."
Deny: "I barely mentioned it."
Attack: "Honestly, you're so secretive, it's exhausting."
Reverse: "I was worried about you and now I'm being treated like a criminal. I can't believe how ungrateful you are."
A grounded reply: "I'm not calling you a criminal. I'm asking you not to share my health information without asking me first." Short, specific and focused on the original request.

Is it DARVO or a genuine misunderstanding?

Feeling defensive when criticised is human. The difference is whether the person can return to your concern once the first reaction passes. If every concern you raise ends with you apologising, the pattern deserves attention. You can paste the exchange into the Dark Psychology Detector to see whether it flags reversal patterns.